At Least 5 Bullshit Reasons You Want To Keep Drugs Illegal

Think about being dumb for a second. This will be easy if you are actually dumb, so therefore it will be easy for most of you. To dumb people, caffeine pills are “a drug” but drinking coffee, the drug’s carrier, is not consuming a drug for some reason. There is a 0.99 correlation between this belief and other human-vegetable tier thoughts like “would God make a plant illegal?”, “lifting heavy weights will make me bulky”, “you look better without makeup”, and “I’d never take meth but molly is OK.”

Note that people (“”people””) do not have real reasons for keeping drugs illegal. They have excuses masquerading as reasons by existing on the boundary of that category, much in the way for-profit colleges remain accredited. Any position resembling “keeping [drug] illegal will successfully keep it away from…” is, 100% of the time, a non-researched position by pharmacologically illiterate people who (a) need to google what “pharmacological” means and then spend a few minutes thinking about what this means in adverbial form (spellcheck included), and (b) do not know what ‘drug’ actually means nor know that this category includes thousands of bioactive substances including caffeine, creatine (confirmed steroid), vitamin D (actual steroid), some shit in soybeans, all additives in Red Bull, and vitamin C.

To people who actually know things this is redundant, and people who do not know what the “bioactive substances” link is about nor will click it nor will click any sub-links will remain unaffected, yet still will insist their meager knowledge on anything is sufficient to vote / decide the direction of their country / transmit their beliefs to others who vote / reproduce. Since people of this flavor have “metacognition” in the way that North Korea has “race relations”, the only sufficient treatment is trauma and yelling, sort of like how you can’t dialogue a dog into fetching a bone. Therefore I will proceed to list the actual reasons very stupid people who should never vote think drugs should be/stay illegal.

#1 You Work For the DEA / Sell Drugs Illegally

This is actually a good reason. You need money, and money can get you drugs. Well, maybe not that if you’re bad at lying, but at least it can get you prostitutes in Nevada.

Either way there are a lot of cool things you can buy with money. Here is a dildo that is a very similar size to my penis but like 0.5 inches smaller in girth. (“Lean luke” is somewhat insulting, ergo.) If you buy this you can literally go fuck yourself, but with me. That’s even better than just going to fuck yourself, which you should do if you have “”reasons”” for keeping drugs illegal. At $10 with Amazon Prime there’s really no reason to not buy it, especially for your girlfriend.

#2 You’ve Done Laughably Nonexistent Research Into Anything, Including Your Child’s Name

Does clicking the links in this article constitute more reading than you do, ever? I bet it does. Did you even click half of them? I know the answer to this because my website reports data on how much you click shit, and the answer is almost certainly not. This is because you’ve done laughably nonexistent research into anything.

Let’s take a level of investigation that would, at the very least, warrant personhood: do you rarely google the things you say to make sure they’re true before posting them? Do you opt out of Facebook but use Instagram and Snapchat often? Do you know what “active ingredient” means? Are you part of the 90% of the planet that does not use CTRL+F? Have you ever bought Advil instead of generic Ibuprofen for a non-subjective reason? What about Nyquil and its generics? Does this picture (backup) make you feel stupid?

If “yes” to several of these, there’s high probability you named (or will name) your children something stupid like “Brynne” or “Kayleygh” or whatever White Girl Shaniqua equivalents exist in the name database now. I bet you tell people its meaning, which is about the most research you’ve ever done, even though literally every name means something stupid when traced to its bare etymology. Alfred means “elf counsel.” Plato means “broad-shouldered.” All names are dumb, like you.

The only solution to this problem is to run to your nearest 20+ft ledge immediately and jump off. (Higher if you do parkour; cliff, building, doesn’t matter.) You might think about calling the suicide hotline, but don’t worry — you should do it. You can trust me, just like you trusted the DayQuil label to not rip you off.

#3 You’ve Done Some Research Into Things, Yet Still Are Comically Insufficient

Let’s assume you actually know things. Most of you never paid attention in science classes, so assuming you have chemical knowledge to make voting decisions about drugs is like giving someone props for understanding multiplication just because their friend is having trouble with subtraction. Obviously too much credit, but I’ll roll with it.

Did you know that methamphetamine is no more harmful than regular amphetamine (read: Adderall — but you don’t read) when taken at equipotent doses? Nope, and you didn’t know what “equipotent” means either. Did you know that testosterone, in men, has (when combined with progestin) roughly the same mechanism and effectiveness as birth control in women (the ingredients of which are estrogen & progestin) and that the stigmatization of a hormone made in your body is entirely due to its benefit in sports, since both testosterone & estrogen are steroids made in men and women? Doubtful too, and I doubt you could tell me without googling how any of this works at all. (Let me guess, estrogen “tricks the body into thinking it’s pregnant.” And “roid rage” is a thing too, I bet. Lol.)

You’ll “read” this section as the sounds turn into mental wompa womp womps, and you’ll think the same thing afterward as you thought before. So instead of advocating for the illegality of drugs you should advocate for your autosterilization. (I just insulted you in a way where you might need google to understand, therefore you won’t ever.)

#4 You Are Fat & Must Demonstrate Restraint About… Something

Are you fat? If so, you might be minimally pro-drug, because methamphetamine at 5mg/dose can be prescribed for obesity that’s your fault AKA exogenous obesity. (see pg2) As an example, have you known a fat addict of any stimulant? (Do you know what that means?) Maybe, because people are just that fucking fat nowadays, but it’s an achievement to be sure. The correlation between not eating and fat loss is imaginary though; I promise you it’s all genetics. (Intelligence, I mean. That’s pretty genetic. You’re just fat and barring injury or a thyroid condition it’s almost certainly your fault.)

Otherwise, if you want to keep drugs illegal for some bullshit reason (read: all reasons), you probably are fat. Obesity is almost certainly correlated with low IQ. This makes sense: losing fat involves caloric deficit, and being in caloric deficit involves doing arithmetic, which is hard if you’re dumb. 50% of you don’t read nutrition labels (even higher among people who want drugs illegal), and 90% of you who join “health and fitness clubs” stop going within 90 days. It must feel bad to suck this bad, so you need an excuse: stigmatize something you’d never get offered in the first place, because no one likes you. This is why women call other women sluts, so it’ll work just as well for exercise.

In fact, I bet you wondered why anyone would study exercise. I agree. To you gaining muscle is some dumb meathead shit that of course anyone can do, and weight loss is an emotional battle that you could win if you just ran, or whatever. You’ve “got this” since you mastered a bachelor of arts in something and people who aren’t fat with high school degrees have “faster metabolisms.”

#5 You Are Bothered By Brown People

Understandable. I mean, no one really likes dealing with nigghaving to talk to “sketchy” types to get their product, but you can power through it. Besides, it’s not like you can’t just get Tor and go on reddit’s subreddit search, or download a Bitcoin app, or google “how to use darknet”, or… well, I guess this involves reading, so maybe you actually can’t do that.

Nevermind, I see your point now.

I was going to say “you hate brown people” or “you are scared of brown people” but this is giving too much credit to melodramatic tryhards who coin words with -phobia suffixes like they matter, or people who think “hate speech ” can be defined in a consistent way across multiple jurisdictions instead of interpreted to mean whatever they want it to mean at the time. The epitome of “hate” is the emotion you see in rush hour traffic, so to forbid an emotion so ubiquitous in humanity and human history is simultaneously naive, impossible, and counterproductive. Calling this ‘hate’ is a compliment anyway — hate tends to produce action and you’re far too lazy to act on anything.

Anyway, look, if you’re scared of your daughter’s pussy being pulverized into a flapping roast beef cunt by black dick until it waves like a kite flying through the wind, I understand. You barely got laid in college, and you married the first kind-of-hot kind-of-smart chick to make you feel special. From there you made an excuse that you found “the one” in your 7/10 white wife who has a face like Applebee’s has flavor. You must be pretty complicated, which is obviously why your wife married you. So for some jungle-driven savage to come out and use some dipshit line on your daughter, who is half you, and watch her not only date but have sex with this retard is infuriating to you. How could someone who is half-you have such low standards, when it took so much effort to get your wife? Could your wife be a whore in secret? Could it be that you’re actually dumb? (Definitely.) Could it be that… people don’t really give a shit about how smart you are, which is not a lot anyway, or that you can be smart and hot (refer to my about page), or that all of this is fairly meaningless and you should just let people have as much sex as they want with whomever they want?

Of course, but then a position like “you should just have as much sex as you want with whomever you want” would open the free market up for competition. This is in direct opposition to the Dick Tariff enforced by the standards you tell your daughter to have, which conveniently maximizes for whatever sexual abomination you are.

So instead, you’d rather believe that doing cocaine is somehow causal to your daughter loving black dick. This was literally one of the original reasons to make cocaine illegal.

I get it, but if your daughter is a dipshit (and if she’s an offspring of people who want drugs to be illegal, she probably is) then she’s going to get all kinds of black dick anyway. You can either encourage her to be safe about it, or force her to run train with black dudes in secret while her vaginal opening waterfalls with triple-creampie cum loads. The former is a decent resolution, and the latter is how she’ll end up on Maury. I bet you’ll still object, in which case she’ll choose the latter against your will. (You probably called her your “princess”, which is a hilarious term of affection in a democratic society.)

Look: for as dumb as you are, do you really think you can model another human being’s actions enough to stop her? You can’t, so just go with it. Besides, you can’t tell if that’s jizz or coke on her nose anyway. (If you’re lucky, it’s both.)

#6 You Want To Stay “Sober”

I almost forgot about this reason, because it takes a lot of not thinking to come up with this reason, and much like imagining the concept of nothing it takes so much effort to imagine non-thought. (I could empathize by chugging Wild Turkey, but then I’d not be able to do the rest of the things want I do today.)

The concept of sobriety is much like the concept of “healthy food” in that people who use the term have never in their lives been asked to define it, much less quantify it, much less come up with a set of rigorous criteria. The problem with ‘healthy’ was expounded, correctly, in “No food is healthy. Not even Kale.” People who know a little about nutrition and exercise physiology think the term is really important; people who know a lot don’t. It’s been a clusterfuck for a while now, which more or less assumes you have problems with calorie control and aren’t trying to gain muscle (which almost always involves caloric surplus), or that you aren’t capable of using a good multivitamin or reading sodium labels. In its defense you probably aren’t, but the term doesn’t have anything to do with health, since if you knew what you were doing you could eat ‘unhealthy’ foods and be exceptionally ‘healthy’.

“Sober” exists in contrast to some vaguely-defined state that includes drunk off of ethanol alcohol, decently high off cannabis, whatever state you’re in after two tabs of LSD, and a few other things drawn from the catalog of maybe five recreational drugs the average person has taken in their lifetime.

If you take caffeine, you are taking a bioactive substance, aka drug, aka performance enhancing drug. Caffeine equivalent to a few cups of coffee was until 2012 on the WADA banned list, and is still on the monitored list. The president “urged” a re-ban. This is “not sober” according to WADA. WADA? WADA WADA WADA.

Amphetamines (Adderall) unambiguously enhance cognitive performance. They are used to treat ADHD, since ADHD is a deficit of stimulation. Just to prove a point I wrote this article “sober”, which I’ve put in quotemarks because it’s your stupid term. Since I am ADHD (diagnosed), this means I am actually performing lower than I usually would. (But still higher than you, if you think drugs should be illegal.)

In 2015, a systematic review + meta-analysis of high quality clinical trials found that (in normal people) low-dose amphetamine produces modest but unambiguous improvements in cognition, including:

* working memory
* episodic memory
* inhibitory control

and some aspects of attention. In fact, let’s talk about (* let me talk at you about) Paul Erdős.

Paul Erdős was a mathematician — one of the most important of the 20th century — and unequivocally smarter than 99.99% of people reading this. He took amphetamine (and methylphenidate (Ritalin)) every day after being diagnosed with depression at age 58. He couldn’t stop / wouldn’t stop until his death at age 83, which is longer than a lot of average people will live anyway. Except he could in fact stop, and did, when his friend and scrub colleague Ron Graham challenged him to stop for a month. He won the bet, obviously, and had this to say:

You’ve showed me I’m not an addict. But I didn’t get any work done. I’d get up in the morning and stare at a blank piece of paper. I’d have no ideas, just like an ordinary person. You’ve set mathematics back a month.

A drug was such a beneficial performance enhancement to a mathematician that he could say his cessation held mathematics back “a month”, but you want to stay sober for… what exactly? For Jesus? Because it’s certainly not performance.

The literature and history on drugs as performance-enhancing substances is clear: by the definition of ‘sober’ used by many people, ‘sobriety’ as alertness/functioning only applies to a limited set of substances that don’t include amphetamine or caffeine. Another class of drugs (caffeine, amphetamine, and so on) in low doses can make you more sober than sober, or Super Sober or whatever label you want to use for “functioning higher than a sober person would.” Some drugs are performance-enhancing by context, e.g. alcohol is a performance-enhancing drug in the context of Archery and any sport requiring steady hands. The only definition of ‘sober’ that makes sense after that which still excludes low-dose amphetamine would be “non-use of some arbitrarily defined class of substances I just felt like including that day”, which is so bullshit and transparently ad hoc that you might as well admit wrongfulness before even typing it.

But I bet you still want those drugs illegal, you fucking idiot.

Stop Thinking Any Reason To Keep Drugs Illegal Is Good

The truth hurts. (For example, I am “a narcissist” because of what I post on my about page, instead of just better than people at a lot of shit.)

There are lots of seemingly-good reasons to keep drugs illegal. Note the word “seeming” because they seem that way but are not true.

Drug advocates, pharmacologists, pharmacists and so on have, for decades, attempted to give you good reasons why the “keep drugs illegal” position is bad. 100% of drug harm comes from mis-dosing, not the drug itself. Arsenic at 0.0001mg will do nothing to your physiology; you could take 1mg cocaine every day until you die and probably experience no adverse effects. The difference between medicine and poison is dosage. Et cetera.

I could repeat this on every loudspeaker, broadcast it on every radio station, make your children repeat it at the beginning of every class and drill it into your head forever until the death of time itself and you fuckups would still think a sentence like “amphetamine is so horrible for you” makes sense without specifying dosage amount, or that a drug should be illegal categorically because some dumbfuck couldn’t measure milligram amounts with a scale that costs less than your Instagram date.

You might have at some point advocated a midway position. Mexico, for example, has two classes of pharmacies. “Hey, maybe we can make licenses to buy the drugs that require a bit more research to do safely. Maybe we could even make them like Defensive Driving courses, so that you have to educate yourself before having them!”

But no. To you dipshits, it’s the same boneheaded solution every time.

So the next solution is to scream at you endlessly, to make you tremble at even voicing something so dumb in public that the thought gives you PTSD. Your trauma is the only solution and the worse you feel, the better.


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