At Least 5 Bullshit Reasons You Want To Keep Drugs Illegal

Think about being dumb for a second. This will be easy if you are actually dumb, so therefore it will be easy for most of you. To dumb people, caffeine pills are “a drug” but drinking coffee, the drug’s carrier, is not consuming a drug for some reason. There is a 0.99 correlation between this belief and other vegetable-tier thoughts like “would God make a plant illegal?”, “lifting heavy weights will make me bulky”, “you look better without makeup”, and “I’d never take meth but molly is OK.”

Note that people (“”people””) do not have real reasons for keeping drugs illegal. They have excuses that stretch the boundary of what a “reason” is. Any position resembling “keeping [drug] illegal will keep it away…” is, 100% of the time, a non-researched position by pharmacologically illiterate people who (a) need to google what “pharmacological” means — spellcheck included — and (b) do not know what ‘drug’ actually means nor know that this category includes thousands of bioactive substances including caffeine, creatine (confirmed steroid), vitamin D (actual steroid), some shit in soybeans, all additives in Red Bull, and vitamin C.

To people who actually know things this is redundant, and people who do not know what the “bioactive substances” link is about will not click it nor will click any sub-links yet still will insist their meager knowledge on anything is sufficient to vote / decide the direction of their country / transmit their beliefs to others who vote / reproduce. Since people of this flavor have “metacognition” in the way that North Korea has “race relations”, the only sufficient treatment is trauma and yelling, sort of like how you can’t dialogue a dog into fetching a bone. Therefore I will proceed to list the actual reasons very stupid people who should never vote think drugs should be/stay illegal.

#1 You Work For the DEA / Sell Drugs Illegally

This is actually a good reason. You need money, and money can get you drugs. Well, maybe not that if you’re bad at lying, but at least it can get you prostitutes in Nevada.

Either way there are a lot of cool things you can buy with money. Here is a dildo that is a very similar size to my penis but like an inch smaller in girth. (“Lean luke”? Fuck you.) If you buy this you can literally go fuck yourself, but with me. That’s even better than just fucking yourself, which you should do if you have “”reasons”” for keeping drugs illegal. At $10 with Amazon Prime there’s really no reason to not buy it, especially for your girlfriend.

#2 You’ve Done Laughably Nonexistent Research Into Anything, Including Your Child’s Name

Does clicking the links in this article constitute more reading than you do, ever? I bet it does. Did you even click half of them? I know the answer to this because my website reports data on how much you click shit. Don’t lie to me.

Let’s take a level of investigation that would at least warrant personhood: do you rarely google the things you say to make sure they’re true before posting them? Do you opt out of Facebook but use Instagram and Snapchat often? Do you know what “active ingredient” means? Are you part of the 90% of the planet that does not use CTRL+F? Have you ever bought Advil instead of generic Ibuprofen for a non-subjective reason? What about Nyquil and its generics? Does this picture (or its backup) make you feel stupid?

If “yes” to several of these, then you probably named your children something stupid like “Brynne” or “Kayleygh” or whatever White Girl Shaniqua equivalents exist in the name database now. I’d not be surprised if you bragged about its meaning, which is the most research you’ve ever done, but not enough to know that literally every name means something stupid when traced to its bare etymology. Alfred means “elf counsel.” Plato means “broad-shouldered.” All names are dumb, like you.

#3 You’ve Done Some Research Into Things, Yet Still Are Comically Insufficient

Let’s assume you actually know things. Most of you never paid attention in science classes, and your only basis of comparison is your idiot friends. Assuming this qualifies you to vote on literally anything is like passing a kid in multiplication just because an even dumber kid fails subtraction. But I’ll roll with it.

Almost everything is vastly more complicated than you think. Methamphetamine is no more harmful than regular amphetamine (read: Adderall — but you don’t read) when taken at equipotent doses. (You didn’t know what “equipotent” means.) Testosterone, in men, has (when combined with progestin) roughly the same mechanism and effectiveness as birth control in women, the ingredients of which are estrogen & progestin. The stigmatization of a hormone made in your body is entirely due to its benefit in sports, since both testosterone & estrogen are steroids made in men and women. You probably could not could tell me without googling how any of this works.

My voice in your head has already become Charlie Brown Adult Voice, so I don’t have any pretensions that you’re actually paying attention.

#4 You Are Fat & Must Demonstrate Restraint About… Something

Are you fat? Methamphetamine at 5mg/dose can be prescribed for obesity that you caused AKA exogenous obesity. The correlation between not eating and fat loss is imaginary though; I promise you that your problems are all genetics. (Intelligence, I mean. That’s pretty genetic. Barring injury or a thyroid condition, obesity is almost certainly your fault.)

Otherwise, if you want to keep drugs illegal for some bullshit reason (read: all reasons), you might be fat. Obesity is almost certainly correlated with low IQ. This makes sense: losing fat involves caloric deficit, and being in caloric deficit involves doing arithmetic, which is hard if you’re dumb. 50% of you don’t read nutrition labels and 90% of you who join “health and fitness clubs” stop going within 90 days. It feels bad to be bad, so you’ll something you were offered in the first place, because no one likes you. Since this is why women call other women sluts, it’ll work just as well for exercise.

(Why anyone would study exercise. I agree. Gaining muscle is some dumb meathead shit that anyone can do. Weight loss is an emotional battle that you could win if you just ran or whatever.)

#5 You Are Bothered By Brown People

No one really likes dealing with nigghaving to talk to “sketchy” types to get their product, but you can power through it. Besides, it’s not like you can’t just get Tor and go on reddit’s subreddit search, or download a Bitcoin app, or google “how to use darknet”, or

okay I guess that involves reading, so maybe you actually can’t do that.

I was going to say “you hate brown people” or “you are scared of brown people” but this is giving too much credit to melodramatic tryhards who coin words with -phobia suffixes, or people who think “hate speech ” can be defined in any consistent or meaningful non-subjective way .

Regardless if you’re scared of your daughter’s pussy being pulverized by black dick, I  guess I understand your mentality. Loving black dick was literally one of the original reasons to make cocaine illegal. My guess is your thought process goes like this:

You barely got laid in college. You married the first kind-of-hot kind-of-smart chick to make you feel special. You made an excuse that you found “the one” in your 7/10 white wife, who has a face like Applebee’s has flavor. You’re super complicated and interesting, but some savage uses some dipshit line on your daughter, so you watch her date and have sex with this retard. This infuriating to you. How could someone who is half-you have such low standards, when it took so much effort to get your wife? Could it be that you’re actually dumb? (Definitely.)

Anyway look: your daughter isn’t a princess, and this is a democracy, so there’s no way that’s real. Plus you’re dumb, so you can’t model another human being’s actions enough to stop it. Black dick and drugs are part of growing up. We’ve all done them. It’s part of life. Get used to it.

#6 You Want To Stay “Sober”

I almost forgot about this reason, because it takes a lot of nothing to come up with this reason, and much like imagining the concept of nothing it takes so much effort to imagine non-thought.

The concept of sobriety is much like the concept of “healthy food” in that people who use the term have never in their lives been asked to define it, much less quantify it, much less come up with a set of rigorous criteria. The problem with ‘healthy’ was expounded, correctly, in “No food is healthy. Not even Kale.” People who know a little about nutrition and exercise physiology think the term is really important; people who know a lot don’t. It’s been a clusterfuck for a while now. The term doesn’t have anything to do with health, since if you knew what you were doing you could eat ‘unhealthy’ foods and be exceptionally ‘healthy’ anyway.

“Sober” exists in contrast to some vaguely-defined state that includes drunk off of ethanol alcohol, decently high off cannabis, whatever state you’re in after two tabs of LSD, and a few other things drawn from the stereotype-catalog of maybe five recreational drugs the average person knows about, or has taken in their lifetime.

If you take caffeine, you are taking a bioactive substance, aka drug, aka performance enhancing drug. Caffeine equivalent to a few cups of coffee was until 2012 on the WADA banned list, and is still on the monitored list. The president “urged” a re-ban. This is “not sober” according to WADA. WADA? WADA WADA WADA.

Amphetamines (Adderall) unambiguously enhance cognitive performance. They are used to treat ADHD, since ADHD is a deficit of stimulation. (I wrote this article “sober”, which I’ve put in quotemarks because it’s your stupid term.) Since I am ADHD, this means I am actually performing lower than I usually would. (But still higher than you, if you think drugs should be illegal.)

In 2015, a systematic review and meta-analysis of high quality clinical trials found that (in normal people) low-dose amphetamine produces modest but unambiguous improvements in cognition, including:

* working memory
* episodic memory
* inhibitory control

and some aspects of attention. In fact —

Paul Erdős was a mathematician — one of the most important of the 20th century — and unequivocally smarter than 99.99% of people reading this. He was diagnosed with depression at age 58 and took amphetamine and methylphenidate (Adderall and Ritalin) every day until his death at age 83, which is longer than most people will live. Some scrub casual Ron Graham challenged him to stop for a month. Paul won the bet, obviously, and said this:

You’ve showed me I’m not an addict. But I didn’t get any work done. I’d get up in the morning and stare at a blank piece of paper. I’d have no ideas, just like an ordinary person. You’ve set mathematics back a month.

A drug was such a beneficial performance enhancement to a mathematician that his dumb friend’s bet set mathematics back “a month”, but you want to stay sober for… what exactly? For Jesus? Because it’s certainly not performance.

The literature and history on drugs as performance-enhancing substances is clear: by the definition of ‘sober’ used by many people, ‘sobriety’ as alertness or functioning only applies to a limited set of substances that don’t include amphetamine or caffeine. Another class of drugs (caffeine, amphetamine, and so on) in low doses can make you more sober than sober, or Super Sober or whatever label you want to use for “functioning higher than a sober person would.” Some drugs are performance-enhancing by context, e.g. alcohol is a performance-enhancing drug in the context of Archery and any sport requiring steady hands. The only definition of ‘sober’ that makes sense after that which still excludes low-dose amphetamine would be “non-use of some arbitrarily defined class of substances I just felt like including that day”, which is so bullshit and transparently ad hoc that you might as well admit wrongfulness before even typing it.

But I bet you still want those drugs illegal, you fucking idiot.

Stop Thinking Any Reason To Keep Drugs Illegal Is Good

There are lots of seemingly-good reasons to keep drugs illegal. Note the word “seeming” because they seem that way but are not.

Drug advocates, pharmacologists, pharmacists and so on have, for decades, attempted to give you good reasons why the “keep drugs illegal” position is bad. 100% of drug harm comes from mis-dosing, not the drug itself. Arsenic at 0.0001mg will do nothing to your physiology; you could take 1mg cocaine every day until you die and probably experience no adverse effects. The difference between medicine and poison is dosage. And so on.

I could repeat this on every loudspeaker, broadcast it on every radio station, make your children repeat it in every class and let it ring from every village and every hamlet until the death of time itself and you fuckups would still think a sentence like “amphetamine is so horrible for you” makes sense without specifying dosage amount, or that a drug should be illegal categorically because some dumbfuck couldn’t measure milligram amounts with a scale that costs less than your Instagram date.

You might have at some point advocated a midway position. Mexico, for example, has two classes of pharmacies. Maybe we can make licenses to buy the drugs that require a bit more research to do safely. Maybe we could even make them like Defensive Driving courses, so that you have to educate yourself before having them. But fuck that because to you dipshits, it’s the same boneheaded solution every time.

Therefore the appropriate solution is to scream at you endlessly such that even voicing something so dumb in public gives you PTSD. Your trauma is the only solution and the worse you feel, the better.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s